Disgruntled

I may be some time...

2011-01-29T23:07:00.000-01:00

Yes, I've finally got round to logging in again.

I'm not going to lie, this blog has been the absolute last thing on my mind of late. Work, and I mean MY kind of work has been pretty good to me. Course after course has been laid on and I'm almost valued at the moment even in these times of hardship! It's funny how you suddenly get pushed forward in peoples priorities when suddenly they realise you will be the first at scene for a terrorist attack...

As for this blog I think I will lay it to rest. It's been fun and was wholly relevant when I was a response officer/social worker. Now I feel well looked after and have nowhere near the angst I had when I was a young in service fresh faced PC when I started this. I have no intentions of deleting the blog and it can rest as some sort of testament to the days of the police service under a labour government.

No matter.

Thank you for reading.

Policing Pledge... Policing what??!

2010-06-29T18:37:00.002-01:00

No sooner had my Supervision finally nailed every PC with the 'Policing Pledge' it would now appear the current government think it's a pile of and have promptly disposed of it....

Great! Thank god! What huge waste of time and effort that was trying to force me to comply with it, in the process changing nothing, wasting vast sums of money and then getting rid of it!

Another 'fad' passes into the void and we move on into money saving and difficult times for the civvies and other wasters on the payroll. Whispers have been heard in the nick of certain people being moved around, certain office positions being removed completely and PCs with no street experience for over a decade now possibly being stuck out in the front line! It's amusing at the very least (if I was a MOP I would be terrified!) but it does start to make you wonder what the structure of policing in the country is going to be in 12 months time.

In my case I don't have a huge amount to worry about, recruitment and retention has been a huge issue of late and needless to say I'm part of a small and essential team. I can see the upper structures being shoved about but nothing dramatic at my lowly end - for which I'm very grateful!!

Derrick Bird

2010-06-05T21:36:00.004-01:00

I was on duty when the incident was ongoing and there were a fair few armed officer watching Sky News in the nick waiting for further updates. The media seemed to hold the police accountable very quickly even before it was known that Mr Bird had taken his own life.

What the media can't seem to deal with is that he was a NORMAL bloke. Well, as normal as the next man and he happened to be a firearms holder. He wasn't a psycho mentalist in his spare time and didn't ear living creatures as per the Crossbow Killer chap - there's no story. As to why he had a breakdown, it doesn't really matter does it? He lost it and in his rage picked up a couple of weapons and decided to do the unthinkable.

As far as for the police response I can't see any other force reacting differently, or for that matter any quicker. In the more remote parts of the county I work in I could see a madman having a good twenty minutes before police arrived - and that's with the suspect remaining where he is!! With a moving target and no ANPR it must have been a nightmare you literally are waiting for the public to inform you and react accordingly, in other words waiting for another shooting and trying to get there before they leave.

A horrid and tragic tale and certainly one that no-one could have predicted. Our thoughts should be with the families of the victims and not looking for a public funded scapegoat as to Derrick's actions.

Promotion makes your brain leak....

2010-04-27T18:58:00.002-01:00

Seeing some of the people passing the recent Sergeants it fills me with a lot of hope and some dread. A couple of individuals should not have been signed up to do the exam in the first place let alone progress any further now they have managed to pass it!

A few lads I know will make good, if not, great Sergeants and I can only wish them well.

What fascinates me now is seeing how the 'Part one'ers' start adapting their behaviour to how they feel a Sergeant should be behaving. I love seeing how suddenly they start taking an interest in how a job in reviewed or how job allocations are made as opposed to just moaning about it as a typical PC does (Well me at least!)

In some of the more poorly selected individuals the 'treading on people' starts... any opportunity, however petty, is taken to either make themselves look better or other look worse. Minor errors made by once colleagues become serious and huge incompetency issues and advice is dished out however unwanted and ill thought out. If a PC ever did this to me they would get a Foxtrot Oscar....

I have even heard of one person, who had literally got their results of passing through, speak to a probationer boasting about how they had worked out a training regime to get their skills up to their level. I'm sure if we lived in that special time in the 70's a PC would have got a shoeing for being such a cock!

Such is the times we live in, I don't think the police service itself is evil or mean (The kajority of the people are well meaning if mostly clueless), but the subculture of promotion and getting what you want by whatever means necessary is truly obnoxious.

Incidentally, if you get a chance please read 'A Fair Cop' by Michael Bunting. It's about a PC who, through no fault of his own, is literally shat on by the system and is sent to jail for Common Assault - his literal fight for survival is one of the most engrossing yet depressing tales I've read in a long time and, although it's a bitter review of the police, it does ring true... Oh and one of the reason he went to jail was because of a 'newly promoted' Sergeant giving evidence against him (no doubt the PS got a good entry for their WBA out of it).

Shows who you can rely on doesn't it?

Sunshine and scum...

2010-04-24T19:07:00.002-01:00

The days have been particularly sunny of late and me and the missus chose to spend the time in the local park. Families were everywhere, kids playing and it was a lovely day.

Then a small group walked through. 5 males, two in black and white hoodies (despite the heat), the rest with grubby t-shirts and all with a customary beer in hand. I was pretty sure their faces were red from the alcohol as opposed to any sun burn and I could smell cannabis wafting from them.

I sat their pretty relaxed, I didn't recognise any of them - I don't work my own patch - but I knew the local response lads would know their names by sight. One lad at the back of the group was then approached by a younger kid who then feigned a punch to the older one.

The older youth then turned to him and yelled "PUSSY" to which the younger lad replied "C**T".

My stomach tensed "Why the hell did they have to come here of all places?" I said to the missus. I watched them mooch past and they ended up 200 yards away. Long smoking papers appeared and more wafts of skunk floated by.

I put the thought of them out of my mind, a minor irritation at best and there was sun to be enjoyed.

An hour later we got our stuff together and were moving away. The group were now wandering back and our paths crossed. I paid as little attention as possible, or as much as any other human being, but did listen in to their chat.

"Which fuckin' way we going then?"

"Don't know you c**t, you fucking tell me"

"I'm goin' this way, fuck you"

"Fuck off, I'm coming with you"

They then turned on their heels and skulked off, I could smell the cannabis but also their grubby clothes - they smelt of smelly feet!!

So what does this meandering tale teach us then? Not a lot really - more likely that these shit bags are through and through utter scum. They simply have no idea how to behave in public, no idea that a sentence doesn't have to have 'fuck' included in it to add meaning. No amount of 'understanding' will change them and, in my opinion, no society should want these people created to be like this in the first place.

Glad I don't meet many of the chavs these days... ;)

Ambulance 212

2010-03-28T19:57:00.002-01:00

Here's a link for an excellent programme 'Cutting Edge' which I managed to catch the other night:

http://www.independent.co.uk/arts-entertainment/tv/reviews/last-nights-tv-the-ambulance-channel-4br-ann-widdecombe-versus-girl-gangs-itv1br-no-heroics-itv2-935241.html

Briefly it's about a couple of crews working the same Ambulance, 212 in this case, and doing the rounds in Reading. The normal reality stuff you'd imagine but this really succeeds because there's barely any voice over and the crew just tell it how it is. The majority of the serious jobs they seem to go to get called in to the police first and I did mentally tick off the jobs they were going to and sharing in their cynicism.

Half baked suicide attempt - Check

RTC with uncompliant 'driver' - Check

Male hit in face by 'friend' - Check

Drug addict female in need of another hit - Check

Street drinker unconscious in local park - Check

I loved the sense of tedium they left in, the sense of trying to pass the time in between jobs and using the black humour to do it. I particularly liked the poorly numbered houses and the frustration of trying to rush to a particular address - been there and done it!!

Watch it and enjoy! (Next week I'll tell you which films are on down your local Cinema and review them) ;)

Word Blindness

2010-03-09T19:31:00.003-01:00

The exam was straight forward... shame I didn't know most of the answers!

See you next year!

I'm part of the policing pledge... apparently...

2010-02-06T12:11:00.003-01:00

Are there any other PCs out there that know anything about the political 'guff' that is the policing pledge?! The first I knew about this was when an advert popped up on the telly telling me that all the police comply with it!!

If ever we needed more evidence that policing is little more than political tinkering then the policing pledge is a clear demonstration of it. You'd think it was an election year of something wouldn't you?! ;)

Labour panicking, seeing the complete and utter shit heap that is the modern police service and deciding to try and 'spin' their way out of it.

How does it affect me? Day to day I do nothing differently, nothing at all. The SMT, certainly for my poor response based colleague, appear utterly obsessed with it. Seeing the posters on the wall and the amount of times they mention 'serving' or 'liaising' or 'visibility' and it makes me wonder if we have any powers to deal with bad people any more? I've even heard that SMTs have been having HQ type civvies dropping into nicks to test the PCs on their knowledge of the pledge during office hours.

The PCs response has been not to come back to the nick until they've left... brilliant!!

Somehow I suspect the corporate life of promotion is far to big a leap for me, I wouldn't be able to keep my trap shut, and I'm doomed as an 'opinionated' career PC. Well someone has to do it don't they?

PS Yes I am taking the Sergeants exam but I am doomed to failure!!

Jack Straw burns all bridges!

2009-12-31T18:25:00.002-01:00

Words nearly fail me on this one:

Jack Straw 'sceptical' about overworked police

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk_politics/8436110.stm

My favourite part is:

"Some police officers, whatever they say, actually quite enjoy being in the police station in the warm".

As opposed to what exactly? Standing out on a point in -2℃?

Well I never! I would have thought 'Police Officers' would enjoy freezing their bollocks off instead - bunch of weirdo sadists that they are...

Have a good New Year everyone, let's make sure these numpties are out of No 10 in 2010 for ALL our sakes!

Christmas, New Year and same old... again..

2009-12-28T19:08:00.002-01:00

Listening to my response colleagues going to domestic after domestic over Christmas Day and Boxing day made me feel slightly guilty. Well only a teeny weeny bit but it did remind me that I get paid for what I know MORE than what I actually do!! ;)

As for stuff I do I was involved in a rather good preplanned nick with the 'full works' in what can only be described as a rather nice neighbourhood. Shame the nasty bloke staying at the address had to be nicked with a 9mm pointed at him, but hey, I'd rather be doing that then deal with Dawn and Rich beating the shit out of each other again. I did chuckle as we surrounded the address as people in the road seemed completely oblivious of our presence. That was until they drove up to us, saw a multitude of guns, did a quick three point turn and then drove at Mach 1 back into their driveway and ran indoors. Lots of curtain twitching ensued and I smirked as I snapped the safety back on the MP5 at the end of the job.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year one and all.

What's occurring?

2009-12-03T22:47:00.003-01:00

I've let things slip again! Not that I wanted to, it's just I don't have enough hours in a day to sit down and type.

Things that are happening:

1) Booked in for the Sergeants exam in 2010 although this has turned into a complete farce due to a distinct lack of motivation (I like my current job) and due to point 2. The 'study leave' is useful for recharging the batteries though.

2) I'm training for a little run in April.. yes, the big one! So I'm knocking up the miles in my spare time meaning almost no time for blogging. Lost around a stone as well which makes fitness for the job much easier.

Bleep test? 7 minute jogging? Easy!!!

Remembrance and a time for reflection...

2009-11-08T19:17:00.003-01:00

I seem to have been on duty for almost every Remembrance Sunday in my career in one way or another. I've stood alongside veterans at the local memorial, stood outside the nick in line with my shift and now this is the second year I've had a sidearm on me as I have stood silent.

I haven't served in the forces but a lot of my colleagues have and I know what it means to them. I know of people who have lost a loved one in Afghanistan and I've seen what this day means to the family left behind.

I don't pretend to be a soldier on the front line, my experiences of crazed individuals is insignificant when compared to the every day life of a squaddie in Helmand. Yet I feel for them. I know the sacrifice they are willing to make and in some ways it's the same for the lads on my shift, we put ours lives on the line for others less able for better or worse.

Lest we forget.

Oh dear!!

2009-10-19T17:07:00.002-01:00

Well I appear to have let things slip round here... last post was in September. Action plans all round for not maintaining my site.... tut tut!

Work wise it would appear we have entered that lull between the end of summer and the Christmas period. The mentally ill and depressed haven't even thought about getting their pills and shotguns together. I assume all the shoplifters are waiting to see what Christmas loot can be stuffed down their trousers as well.

Me, well, I'll just sit back and see what super dangerous sort of jobs I'll go to. Not that many or any of the recent jobs I've attended has been anything other than trivial nonsense.

I attended custody for a trivial arrest. After processing the prisoner I was waiting in line to speak to a Sergeant and I turned to a response colleague next to me and I had to say "I don't miss this shit, not one bit". I know it was a cruel thing to say to someone trapped on response but it's true.

Why I TRY NOT to call the police... (most of the time)

2009-09-10T08:39:00.003-01:00

Coppers can be the worst people to call the police. I think the main problem is that we have expectations of the coppers turning up and when they decide to do something else we start getting 'involved'.

I remember going to what should have been a BTP job where a MET PC called in saying a kid had got on without a ticket. Minor, minor stuff but we went along and got the kid off the train and spoke to the officer.

"So are you going to nick him for fare evasion or perhaps fraud?"
"Whoa, hold on there. I'm not sure it really needs that sort of reaction from us. We'll get his details and report him. Not sure I can really justify sitting in custody for an hour sorting it out"
"Well I would have nicked him, he's committing an offence"
"How long have you been in the MET mate?"
"Oh, I've been on borough for two weeks now"
"Ah, that makes sense"

It was a little while back where I called the police, in fact my own force, to report something. A young scally had walked into the shop I was in and started talking to the shopkeeper about how his car outside had cloned plates and that he had nicked them. I didn't know which car he was referring to but I had a good idea where it would be parked bearing in mind where the shop was.

I slipped out the shop and called it in. Giving as much details as I could to the call taker and she thanked me and said a unit would have a look. Small, minor job I admit but I walked away thinking I had helped and just perhaps it might get an uninsured car off the streets.

A couple of days later I was back at work and had a look at the log. All the details had been passed and I read through it only to find one single comment from the duty Sergeant:

"WHAT DOES THE OFFICER EXPECT US TO DO ABOUT IT?"

Brilliant. Perfect. If the line manager can't work out how to send a car and have look round for a shitty car then god help us. I promised myself there and then that if the incident was not one of life and death then frankly I won't waste my time. No unit was sent, and it was closed off. I skimmed through the personel records to see that the Sergeant had served several years less than me and it started to make sense.

No wonder the public have no confidence in us... and they don't even get to see what I see. Hopeless.

We need leaders, not wimps...

2009-09-07T11:06:00.004-01:00

In the army the promotion system goes like this:

In broad terms soldiers to be promoted must be qualified (education, training courses, and experience), recommended (by regular confidential reports completed by his employing officer and superiors) and selected (by promotion boards held at his MCM Div).

In the police it's more simple but more 'erratic':

A Constable would put in for the Sergeants exam (same process for PS to Inspector) and upon passing it would be put forward to a promotion board). After successfully completing these two they can apply for Sergeant postings within the force and be interviewed accordingly in respect of whatever skill set is relevant.

Note that there is a distinct lack of 'experience' being a major factor and that, apart from getting a bit of paper signed up for the exam, no real acknowledgement by an senior officers. It's a bug bear I have posted about previously but I come across it time and time again. When will the senior officers ever realise that what Bobbie need least is a 'manager'?

I don't need to be managed, I have more in common with a regular army squaddie than a civvie worker so what I really don't need is a paperpushing know-it-all telling me what I should be doing - you certainly don't gain a shifts respect by teaching them to suck eggs all day.

The promotion system SHOULD be based around an officers ability to lead a group WITHOUT any form of rank getting in the way. A leader should have a natural ability to have his co-workers listen to him with him rubbing a set of stripes in their face to make them understand that they SHOULD or MUST do as is told.

The number of wimpering, flappy, limp wristed sergeants I have come across have been far more than the good ones.

The number of Constables that would make excellent Sergeants are many but either the exam or the added stress of the entire process is beyond their needs and it simply isn't worthwhile in their circumstances.

Some of the best supervision I have ever had was by Acting Sergeants and their sheer drive and ability to get stuck in was, in my opinion, a better reflection of leadership than someone who could quote obscure offence off the top their head. It reminded me of a potential complaint coming from a prisoner I was booking in...

Offender: I want to make a complaint.
Me: What about?
Offender: You, you're a arsehole for decking me.
Me: OK, you really, really want to make a complaint?
Offender: Yeah you dick... I'll get you done.
Me: You'll have to speak to my Sergeant, are you sure?
Offender: Yeah, you'll be fucked.
Me: Sarge, he wants to make a complaint (I turn to the Sergeant holding the lads arm and who helped me tackle him to the ground in the first instance).
Offender: Eh?
Acting Sergeant: You deserved everything you got you cock, so shut it.
Offender: Oh, shit, oh well, you stick up for your own don't you.
Me: Your life is getting shitter by the minute isn't it? Shall I lead you to you cell Sir?

My respect of that Sergeant brimmed at that moment and I knew he would back me up whatever. It's when a Sergeant starts taking steps back away from you when people question you actions that winds me up and I would say that is what 75% of them would do under the same circumstances. It's a shame the good ones are also the bright ones and move on so quickly.

PCSO? Me?

2009-09-05T18:20:00.003-01:00

Can I ask you, if you haven't already read this, to look at this link to Gadget's blog.

http://inspectorgadget.wordpress.com/2009/09/03/what-really-matters-at-the-top/

It totally and completely sums up what is going wrong in the police right now. The upper ranks utter distaste for any form of 'real' bean counter free type policing and the need for them to measure utter shit for the sake of another promotion or PDR entry.

It drives me mad and I really feel for the lads and lasses still putting out on the frontline day to day rubbish.

In our force recently I was dragged into a meeting so that more 'consumer focused' clap trap could be spouted at me. We were then asked how we 'best served' our community. The team looked at each other shrugging, how the hell do we serve our 'customers'?

There were mutterings of 'pointing guns' at them but the shifty Supt at the front wouldn't have liked that one bit. We conceaded and we simply stayed quiet playing stupid and becoming the 'grey' man.

How deluded to you have to be to even contemplate how a specialised firearms team has a form of 'community engagement'? Utter and total crap and I still can't believe some of the upper ranks actually believe in it!!

I like to think that off duty I AM a member of the public. I think and do NORMAL things and I expect that when things go wrong and I dial 999 the right sort of people would turn up and sort the problem out. I don't care about customer service questionnaires, I don't actually care how the problem is solved in all honesty I just want it sorted and for me not to worry about it any more. I would hope most people feel like that. I don't want a policeman to hold my hand and want to know my feeling.... just nick the pillock and go away!

The whole 'customer focus' issue is simply a stat collection and paper pushing exercise to make the upper ranks feel they are justified in sitting in an office and not getting their polished bums out on the streets. It really is that simple.

The buzzwords are there to make them feel better, to delude themselves into thinking they are actually achieving these things.

Quite simply DON'T BELIEVE THE HYPE!

Specialised in everything..

2009-08-24T18:41:00.003-01:00

It is a bit of a bugger trying to remember how to do things in police at the best of times. This is only compounded by the fact that my role solely consists of NOT doing what I used to do and focusing almost entirely on keeping myself alive in dangerous situations and nicking rather dangerous people safely.

Now consider that with my focused role certain things tend to pass me by like, at last count, new electronic forms coming in, new force policy, new IT systems to solve problems that don't exist etc etc.

So when I do have the time to put together the basics of a file I can now directly relate to new PCs coming through as I don't have a clue.... it's a probationers nightmare all over again!

I can only assume the various custodies I go to are only too aware of my predicament as I have been lucky enough to have people help me through the new forms and procedure. I obviously look far too distressed to be ignored!

Training and training and more training...

2009-08-11T20:15:00.002-01:00

Another training day has passed and I have successfully pointed at and successfully dealt with naughty crims - well pretend trainer type crims. The repetition is somewhat gutty but I take comfort in the fact that the training team actually care about our ability to do our job.

I think back on response it was a case of HAVING to do a training session if our permits for our spray or baton REALLY needed to be in date. It was generally a joke and it was a case of trying to stay awake during the powerpoint and then dismissing the stuff until the next training session. The stuff taught was far too idealistic and any PC with a few years knew most of the take downs and cuffing techniques didn't work. Headlocks and getting cuffs on 'any way you could' were the norm and the only way in most circumstances.

As such myself, and the team I work with, take great pride in pulling off a good job, or a pretend one, and do our utmost to improve on it and do it better next time which is in stark contrast to how it was. I think it helps that the stakes are a bit higher, we are doing stuff a response officer doesn't get anywhere near, and we are expected to be the experts in the field - I've witnessed uniformed Sergeants and Inspectors rush up to firearms PCs asking what they should be doing - which makes a nice change.

Busy busy busy..

2009-07-31T21:27:00.002-01:00

Not too many updates recently but this is not through lack of trying. I've managed to sit down a few times and start typing but there is always something more important going on....

Anyway, work has been a mixture of boredom, repetition and an all out adrenalin high. I won't go into details but the best 10 minutes of my career, so far, came and went and I'm still in one piece. Needless to say bad guys were taken away and the lads and I had a beer the next day to celebrate.... cool and exciting stuff.

Stuff which I would be a million miles away if I hadn't have moved.

ACPO support long sentances...

2009-07-02T12:34:00.002-01:00

Having read this article it doesn't surprise me one bit that ACPO are spouting incomprehensible rubbish.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1196987/Inexcusable-gobbledygook--Verdict-102-word-sentence-drafted-police-chiefs.html

The sentence in question is this:

'The promise of reform which the Green Paper heralds holds much for the public and Service alike; local policing, customised to local need with authentic answerability, strengthened accountabilities at force level through reforms to police authorities and HMIC, performance management at the service of localities with targets and plans tailored to local needs, the end of centrally-engineered one size fits all initiatives, an intelligent approach to cutting red tape through redesign of processes and cultures, a renewed emphasis on strategic development so as to better equip our service to meet the amorphous challenges of managing cross force harms, risks and opportunities.'

Anyone care to translate??

Sorry, again...

2009-06-15T18:02:00.003-01:00

As soon as I posted the previous post I saw this...

The problem seems to be with the officer throwing a few strikes in...

The circs aren't known so I don't know the reasoning behind tasering him.

I know for a fact though that the firearms officers involved don't want to be messing around with him as per the unarmed officers which arrive later (guns strapped to you prevent rucking) hence why they tasered him a second time.

The punches going in APPEAR to be at his shoulder and NOT to his head - I've used this to get a suspect to release his arm before, as he clutched a knife, and is a perfectly reasonable response should the circs need it.

But as I mentioned we don't know the circs and we don't know what is going through the officers heads so we can't make a call on it.

In my mind it's a none event, a media frenzy over some dramatic footage which is out of context and is something to blame us for AGAIN.

So sorry we do our job, sorry we protect the public from lunatics like this, sorry to put our lives on the line. Let's hope the CC in Nottingham has some balls and stands up for the lads doing their job.

Then, now and more soon...

2009-06-15T17:06:00.003-01:00

This post is overdue but what with all that has happened where do I begin. My two least favourite MPs, Blears and McNumpty have, or are in the process of, disappearing and Jacqui Spliff has walked. I couldn't have dreamed up the circs to their exit any better and I hope the world, and the policing of this country, is all the better for it. Hell, it couldn't get much worse to be fair.

Work has been pretty consistant and, apart from the odd moment of excite, has been fairly routine. I even went to custody and dealt with someone!! Shock horror! It was a bit like being in my probabtion again to be fair as I asked people around me as to what I should be doing next - policy changes almost as quickly as the government these days so don't blame my memory!

Couple of incidents of note which I will post up soon...

Back on the beat.. sort of..

2009-05-10T19:44:00.000-01:00

Even though I do wear a different coloured shirt these days I still arrest people for minor offences a well. Far more proactive arrests mainly because I have the time to drive around looking for stuff now as opposed to playing catch up 90% of the time as I did on response.

I've had a fair share of drink drivers, minor assaults and even a few people for a 136. It is always the mental health ones that make me worry most though. I have an armoury hanging off of me, including the standard police baton and spray, so it doesn't take much for me to back off and keep some distance as I don't want to even contemplate someone wrenching a weapon off me.

It usually plays on my mind as to what I would do in those circumstances - some person needs to be detained but instead of running away wants to get close up and ruck due to them being an SPG.

Gun - not an option unless someone pulls out a gun or some other lethal weapon and has every intent to use it on me or a member of the public. Even then there are other options as below.

Taser - Yes, could be although I am sure it would not act as a deterrant and I would be forced to use it immediately. Need justification and all that.

Spray - Good choice although it would limit me going for a taser if it failed to take effect.

Baton - Higher on the scale than the last two, although you wouldn't think it.

Hands on and getting the suspect on the ground - Difficult as I don't want to get close due to them potentially grabbing bits of kit.

My thoughts are that I would play it by ear, despite taser being a LOWER option (incapacitant) than a baton strike I would still need something a bit more to justify it's use. It's a firearm however you play it and it's something I don't mess with unless it is REALLY necessary.

Although there is a bit of bravado from the other guys (and gals) on the shift I know that every one of them is in no doubt that pulling out a gun and pointing a firearm at ANY person is a very big deal. Unlike MPs these days we have justify every part of the thought process for doing it down to the most minor of details. Dirty Harry it is not.

Even when loading or unloading a weapon you have to switch on and do it with the care and professionalism it deserves - otherwise you can wave your firearms career bye bye.

I'd like to complain...

2009-05-06T19:54:00.002-01:00

This is getting a little silly. Maybe it's because the IPPC can't think of anything else to do or perhaps they should be 'detecting' more complaints as put out by the powers that be. They even state in the article that the number of complaints is low... so why are they poking about then?

I don't see how anyone would like to be tasered, it's horrid, so why be surprised when people moan about why they got zapped? In the UK it is only deployed during serious incidents anyway, usually by AFOs or similar, where are all the complaints coming from? Where are all the Bobbies torturing the poor criminals anyway? Has any complaint be substatiated? God help us!

One more thing...

2009-05-05T17:18:00.003-01:00

It would appear the Met protestors got bored and decided to invade the easy living southerners instead.

Don't most of the protesters see that if the hardcore troublemakers are on the frontline bombarding police lines with smoke bombs, bricks and god knows what - how can they be taken seriously? I get it if people want to make a point and hold a peaceful rally. A well organised protest produces good PR for the cause and gets the point across - the Ghurkas didn't have to resort to pelting police lines to make their demands clear.

Seeing how our European cousins deal with such disorder is quite refreshing and I am sure tear gas canisters, water cannons and rubber bullets would make it clear who was in charge. I would clarify I am not against protest - hell I walked through London to clarify our position on our pay - but let's cut the bullshit about having to be a pain in the arse to make people understand something.

Incidentally if you ever see me on the frontline of a police cordon you will know the wheel truly has fallen off and to start leaving....

Swine fever anti climax..

2009-05-03T18:55:00.002-01:00

Well it would appear that we have not all been infected with dreaded pig flu and appear to be still in a recession. Not that the papers and other media didn't try their best to distract us - I did enjoy the predicted spread of the flu whereby a map of the UK became awash with a red plague within a matter of days. Informative? It was f'ing terrifying for anyone taking the news seriously and I'm not surprised if a few more people strung themselves on the basis they didn't want to die 'oinking'.

The police response was pretty well judged i.e. we did nothing and waited to see what was happening. Nothing happened so we continued to do nothing and from the latest updates I will continue to do it to the best of my ability.

We need control...

2009-04-15T20:41:00.002-01:00

More G20 hysteria from the media, police using batons and hitting people? Goodness.

A female fraggel, now represented by Max Clifford (Media Spin Manipulating scum), gets into a police officers face shouting abuse and gets hit back. Fraggel then goes back to the police officer and continues abuse and gets another slap. She then goes back again and gets a hollow tube across the legs.

Is it just me or is this woman utterly stupid? Her actions are clear provocation and, considering the other people around her taunting the officers, a baton strike is the very least she would expect for repeatedly ignoring his orders.

I can easily see the officer getting off due to the surrounding circumstances although I imagine his career in TSG ending sharpish. Perhaps he should go on a local neighbourhood team and push some paper - an excellent use of an officer instead of him stopping fucking idiots destroying the city.

Hmmm...

G20 and all that cont...

2009-04-09T18:22:00.002-01:00

Well it looks like a rather immature and stupid PC is going forego his pension for going that bit too far. I watched the footage along with my shift and we all winced see him push Ian Tomlinson to the ground.

From a personal view I can't see how the actions can be justified but I would quickly add that I wasn't there and I don't know what was going through the officers head at the time. It's all very unfortunate and I don't think ALL of us officers should be tarred with the same brush i.e. aggressive, violent, arseholes. No doubt he is a normal response officer by day and has got a head rush from the events of the day.

I wouldn't have my job if I even displayed a hint of it so any haters out there can give us a break.

G20 and all that..

2009-04-02T21:34:00.002-01:00

I'll admit I had a small part to play in the G20... minimal, undramatic (well I thought I was undramatic) and pretty mind and bum numbing. Still the overtime was welcome and I look forward to a fat pay cheque in the near future.

My thoughts on the protests in London are pretty minimal as well. The same sort of faces squaring off against PSU officers leading to the unwashed getting a good kicking. The unwashed, and no doubt twig munching non-tax paying "I live in a mud hut" types, declare the police as being brutal but all the while think it's fine to smash the front of a bank in as it represents 'the powers that be'.

Their form of protest is either creating some form of crusty 'music festival' in the road and wearing joker hats or smashing the shit out of something whilst disguising themselves and complaining about being stopped.

Now why doesn't anyone take this form of protest seriously?... Hmmm.. I wonder.

As ever - same old, same old.

Stance, grip, sight picture...

2009-03-13T20:27:00.002-01:00

Mmmm... I really have been busy, no posts for a while. Not for want of trying of course, my life is rather more focused away from work as of late and since my move I haven't had the stresses and strains to bug me enough to write. So should I continue blogging? Have I 'sold out' as it were?

I am loving my job. I still get a kick out of shooting off a hundred or so rounds off down the range and then realising I get PAID to do this. I was always told that if you enjoyed your job it shouldn't feel like work, and it doesn't.....

TASER again...

2009-02-25T20:48:00.004-01:00

It appears the Police Fed are getting frustrated that all officers aren't being given the little electric lumps of plastic that are Taser. It appears that Senior officers, who probably aren't in a position of ever being trained to use one, are deciding that all and sundry should be given one.

Unfortunately, as good as the weapon is, the main issue with them is the training issues and how the weapons are going to be deployed.

Where are the weapons going to be kept in the nick? They certainly aren't personal issue!

Who is going to maintain the weapons?

If there are not enough weapons to give to a shift then who on the shift will carry them? Sergeants? PSU officers? Where are these mysterious officers going to be magicked up from?

The basic logistics are a nightmare...

I was party to an exchange between a couple of Sergeants and an Inspector who were discussing the issue...

-------------------
Insp: Well I think everyone on my team should be given a TASER. It will really make a difference out there.

PS: OK, but are you aware the armed response cars give you 24 hour coverage as they are based in your borough?

Insp: Well yes, but at serious incidents, when it's needed, we should have trained officers there to deal.

PS: But you realise that over the past X years that the armed cars have been working the area with TASER you haven't requested them to attend a single incident with the authority?

Insp: Well err.. that isn't the point..

PS: If the incident were that serious then armed units, with TASER, would be the first to attend anyway. You seem to think that TASER will solve a problem you simply don't have?

Insp: .....
----------------

I'm on the Sergeants side on this one and I entirely agree that TASER appears to be creating more issues than it solves. Although I admit I am watching any particular forces role out with interest...

"Armed Police!"

2009-02-09T20:57:00.005-01:00

Dear Reader,

Please watch the following programme tomorrow on ITV... it's an eye opener and perhaps you may get a knowing wink from a police officer in it...

In the line of Fire

Selling your soul...

2009-01-22T20:56:00.003-01:00

If you have been following my blog you may already know I have dabbled with promotion. I did that mainly because the position I was in, a PC on response, started to grate and it seemed to be a logical option to escape.

Partly because of circs at the time and unfocused revision on my part I failed the OSPREY exam, not by much mind, but a fail is a fail.

Looking back on it now I think it has been the saving of me. I wouldn't have been privileged enough to be in the job I am now and I now have a career ahead of me free from most of the rubbish which was gutting me every day.

So what has spurned me to say all this? Well it would appear that getting promoted really is the end of life at the sharp end and the start of a career that can only end in mental illness and dribbling in an office somewhere. Now don't get me wrong, there are some really good Sergeants and Inspectors out there, but what I do seem to note is that they tend to be proud of their position and are doing it to be a good Supervisor as opposed to looking at every incident as a promotion opportunity.

Which brings me to my point - why can't promotion boards see through people who are doing the job for the sake of the money as opposed to wanting to do the job for the benefit of it? (I do know the answer to this - just look at who the 'board' are).

Several incidents spring to mind, one where a supervisor wanted to give action plans to several colleagues, not because anything in particular was wrong, but because the supervisor had to tick a box to give out action plans. The colleagues were told that no-one else 'would know' and that it was a paper exercise but it just reeks of utter contempt for their role. Visions of another 'pip' have become more important than being any good at the job - which makes me utterly disgusted.

The truth is that if you don't play the numbers game most supervisors don't mind as long as you can show you are grafting. I don't know if I should go for promotion or bite the bullet and get a London weighting which works out to be more? Decisions, decisions. Or perhaps I should get promoted and be a bloody good Skipper...

2009 and all that...

2009-01-04T18:26:00.002-01:00

Nothing new to add other than I have had a pleasant Christmas and new year which is mainly due to not having rolling around with drunks as they piss away their benefits up the boozer.

Will post something new soon and I will be making an effort to explore my new role a little more on here as well....

Merry Christmas 2008

2008-12-24T13:30:00.002-01:00

Here's to another year.. Enjoy!

Neighbourhood crap

2008-12-02T20:57:00.003-01:00

Speaking to some of my colleagues on response recently really brought back some of the feelings that made me leave in the first place. Hearing officers carrying an average of 25 ongoing jobs is a joke and I can't see how the public or the officer in charge can cope.

The whole victim focus thing has gone completely bonkers. I would say that only 10 percent of my jobs were ever for people who actually needed help and were genuine incidents. Funnily enough I sorted those jobs out as a priority and the other 90% were utter crap. Why on earth police should waste their time updating 'Wayne and Jane' about their Common assault that they don't want to pursue anyway is quite beyond me. Inspectors have been dishing out punishments to those who don't update their 'victims' and an environment of fear doesn't improve anything.

Also the 'neighbourhood' policing teams seem to have drained nearly every experienced PC (in other words sensible officers escaping response) leaving response shifts fighting with barely 2 years service at the most. That just isn't right and with their workload they can hardly train to arrest compliant people, let alone train to use Tasers and the tactics associated with it.

Thank god I'm far away from that now.....

Face gratingly awful...

2008-11-30T19:19:00.002-01:00

This is pretty bad... well saying that it could be a whole lot worse but it doesn't sell me as being part of a team meant to help the taxpaying members of the public. I think The Mirror is overkilling some aspects, the multiple punches to the head don't really happen, they appear to be to the shoulder. There is simply no excuse for the copper grating the chaps head into the floor. I must admit to using some home office 'disapproved' techniques but nothing to the extent demonstrated here.

I am sure the officer will be put through the wash and his career terminated but I don't see how the Lance Corporal should have his actions of 'acting like a cock' overlooked either. What the Mirror fails to add is that should the Lance Corporal have done that to the police in Afghanistan or Iraq he would have not a head on his shoulders.....

Quick, short and sharp

2008-11-16T11:33:00.002-01:00

Another thing that has changed beyond all recognition is that I am no longer 'allowed' to get into rumbles on a Saturday night. This is a good and a bad thing - good being I no longer risk getting head butted and the bad being I can no longer dish out street justice 70's style. Maybe this is actually a win/win for me...

The people I arrest also tend to be 'proper' criminals as well. No D&Ds or Common Assaults for me. Agg burglary, attempt murder and firearms offences are the staples and, although infrequent, when I do get involved the nick is over in literally 20 - 30 seconds. Hardened villans become strangely compliant when my team turn up and there is usually minimal resistance - laser dots have that effect.

They are then bundled into a van and are dealt with by 'uniform'. I still can't get over that, someone else other than me dealing with the chore of custody and interviewing... my new job really has been a good move!

Fifty Thousand Volts

2008-10-31T20:18:00.004-01:00

Funny thing red laser dots... suspect compliance is almost immediate especially when the dot is crawling over their chest.

The usual response to a tin of pepper was "Go on then!" and resulted in me emptying it on them. Snot and spit bailed out of every face cavity and meant that by the time we reached custody they were a sodden mess I had to pat down and usually strip off. Not pleasant.

I can only assume barbs piercing your skin and shocking you into a convulsive state is that more obviously less appealing....

Food for thought...

2008-10-24T18:23:00.003-01:00

Reading this makes me wonder what I or anyone else would have done in the same situation. What really goes through your head when you come to that conclusion. When you really believe your life is about to end and only that gunshot will save you and everyone else.

I think it's one of the most honest accounts I've ever heard and I really feel for the guy - in my position or not. I can only think any other trained officer would have come to the same conclusion at the time.

136'er

2008-10-20T19:53:00.002-01:00

As I have mentioned before sometimes the public do get a raw deal from us. Whether that be through sheer insanity in regard to our policy or procedures or perhaps through some officers that are just a bit crap and have an axe to grind.

I try to fall into neither camp. Generally I allow common sense to rule the day (if possible) and I like to think I can talk to people.

My last complaint from a member of the public, which no doubt will be added to my forces and the national stats, and will make me and my force look just that little bit worse.

The circumstances were truly bizarre. I was called to a park where a distressed female was claiming that her son had been 'taken away' by a local newsagent. I attended somewhat confused and needing some sort of explanation. Upon speaking to our informant it became clear the issues laid with her:

My son is with him in the shop it just isn't right!
OK, how old is your son?
He's 28 and has mental health issues
28? OK, why can't he speak to the newsagent?
I don't like him, he calls me things when I go in there. My son can't be with him.

This conversation writes out almost as bizarrely as it was but what doesn't come across was that I was now convinced the informant had some serious mental health issues herself. I'm know I can't give a clinical opinion on her behaviour but in my book she was nuttier than a Lion bar.

I spoke to the son and he did appear to have some issues but was making more sense than the mother. He said he worked round the corner and he popped into the shop on a regular basis to chat. As far as I am aware there is no offence of 'talking to someone your Mum doesn't like' so it was pretty clear the job was NFA and I just had to appease our informant to that fact.

I've spoken with your son and I'm quite happy the newsagent and him are fine. I don't have any issues with him being there.
But I do, don't tell me you are just going to ignore me?! He shouldn't be there!
Why not? He's a grown adult and can go pretty much where he wants within reason?
That newsagent gets really aggressive with me, he won't let me in the shop!
It's his shop, he can serve who he likes. There isn't much I can do about his level of service!

The informant then stepped towards me and said "Fine. You obviously can't be bothered. Thank you very much" and she walked off.

My update to comms was short and sweet basically stating the informant was mad and I left it at that.

A few days later I come in on shift and my Sergeant approaches me with a bit of paper.

"You've been causing me grief! Had a woman come in complaining about you"
"Eh? What job is that?"

I was then shown the log of the 'mad' serial and coughed up my Redbull.

"You actually sat down with her and wrote out a complaint?"
"Well I had to really, she was insistent"

I read the complaint and the woman stated I was 'brusque' and 'unhelpful'.

I passed the paper back and asked the Sergeant if he thought she was completely mad.

"A fruitloop mate, barking but I need you to sign to say I have given you words of advice"
"About what? Dealing with a woman who is living on a different planet? I don't get how I could deal with that differently?"
"Just sign it and I'll get rid of it"

I reluctantly sign and am left somewhat deflated.

"Keep your finger off da the trigger"

2008-09-26T21:36:00.003-01:00

Finally have got round to tidying up the blog as it got into a bit of a state. Links to other blogs have been restored and I do hope people didn't think I was no longer linking, Blogspots templates got the better of a few but they are back.

Very busy training so don't have much time to sit down at the mo' so please forgive me. More thoughts as and when....

Disgruntled

Quality NOT quantity

2008-09-15T15:46:00.002-01:00

I generally get two forms of reaction from my 'clients'. They usually like me or and I quote "You're a c*** when I get out I am going to kill your kids, your family and your dog.. etc etc etc". Thankfully the second type of persons are usually the drugged, drunk or deranged people and they wouldn't know if I were human, let alone which police officer I was, when they recover from their stupour.

I do emphathise with a large proportion of the public when they are spoken to by a really crap police officer. I confess to being no angel myself but I will usually, attitude test permitting, speak as politely as I can and try make my contact civil at the very least. My job does consist of me 'telling people off' to a certain extent so I don't expect people to write to my CI telling them how wonderfully I gave them 3 points but I think most people consider me fair.

I have had the misfortune to see some absolutely shocking police officers at work though and they certainly know how to balance those chips on their shoulders. They are either arrogant, self centered (both genders I might add) or as wet as a lettuce leaf.

I've seen one officer on my shift give a bollocking, in a style I would reserve for the most extreme offences, to a middle class kid who slowed down his vehicle to see what we were up to in a quiet side street. How on earth are we supposed to win the public over with that attitude? I've seen officers actually run away from violent incidents, they were my only back up I might add, and then they would return to the nick to claim they had been the hero of the day.

Truly shocking but I, like many other officers, keep my head down and get on with it. Let that officer get the Reg 9 - not me plus the less PSD know about me the better.

Regarding my previous post here's a video I shall post for no obvious reason...

The benefits of being different

2008-09-09T09:57:00.003-01:00

So why have I left response? I think my constant moaning would give a little hint but to be honest I am not work shy and I just fancied a change. Benefits of my new position include:

Different coloured shirt - I am specialised don't you know?!
Decent trousers!
A shift system a human might be able to cope with without dying early
Lots and lots of training and re training
A chance to get an advanced driving permit
A remit - which is the important bit!

So bye bye domestics, bye bye old people dying, bye bye Mental Mike who I used to section once a shift and bye bye spending a whole day in custody!! A different job and a different area is a good change and has been too long coming.

Fond memories of response include kicking a door in the opposite way which resulted in the entire frame and door collapsing inwards nearly crushing the room's suicidal occupant. I remember laughing hysterically for a good couple of minutes and then joking it was now an open plan layout. Good times.

I'm happy, very happy.

New horizons...

2008-09-05T21:32:00.002-01:00

Here are some of the hoops I had to go through to get my new position..

Attachments
Form filling
More form filling
Getting my supervisor to fill in another form
Submitting the form to the Inspector who was never there
Getting that same form from one end of the county to the other
Getting that form from HR to another HR department - personally I might add
Bleep test to a nice high level
Interview
No contact for a couple of days whilst HR mooched
Then a phone call saying I had the new job and I start almost immediately!

All this whilst being on response and trying to sort everyone elses life out!

Aiche Argh

2008-09-02T16:14:00.002-01:00

It would appear I have another job.. yes still policing but very much different from what I do now. I am not going into details for reasons that will become clear later.

This post is really a comment on the police 'human resources'. I think it was Terry Pratchett that said:

"The definition of evil is treating people like objects, as such human resources are the epitome of all evil".

They are also near useless at passing paperwork to other departments should you request to transfer. I had to physically hand them the paperwork and see them seal and send it to make sure they did as I asked. Should they bugger up sending any paperwork they are usually the last to apologise, if at all, and usually blame the officer for not making it clear or submitting it late!

From a recent experience from a colleague of mine apparently three weeks notice is considered beyond their capabilities.

Oddly enough I am used to getting blamed for almost everything and sometimes for near impossible tasks, so it comes quite naturally.....

Knife Point

2008-08-28T08:59:00.005-01:00

Why oh why do I constantly see police on the telly showing off the most ridiculously huge knives in an effort to show what has been confiscated from the street?

In all my years in the police I have never yet come across a youth, or anything else for that matter, carrying a form of Klingon fighting sword! I can only assume these items have been seized from some dodgy weapons shop or something.

My experience of youths with bladed or pointed articles has been one with a stanley blade in his wallet and a kid with a fishing knife. Not exciting or in the slightest bit headline grabbing - thinking back I think they both got cautions as well....

I'm not trying to take anything away from the severity of the offence but I would add that I would bet the majority of the stabbings taken place have been with little more than a knife you would cut a cucumber with.

London 2012

2008-08-25T15:10:00.004-01:00

Beijing 2008 has been and gone and I for one am moarning that lack of sporting excitement on telly now. What am I supposed to watch on a night turn now??!

The excitement for 2012 surrounds how much overtime I can make out of it (shitloads) and also how on earth Britain can compete with the cultural bonanza China had to play with to show off to the world.

China - Ancient civilisation and center of cultural development for the world.

UK - We have black cabs and some red buses. Oh don't forget David Beckham!

Forget the 'Bird Nest' stadium London 2012 we will have the 'Chip Basket'.

Forget the 'National Aquatics stadium' we will have the 'AlcoPops Centre of vomiting excellence'.

Forget the 'Olympic Green' we will have 'London Rec' complete with broken swings and white dog turds.

Anything I've forgotten?!

Lessons learned...

2008-08-19T09:29:00.002-01:00

I like to think of myself as a reasonably experienced copper. Not long in the tooth mind, I am far too young to even start thinking I'm too salty, but I've seen most things. A sign of this was when I nicked two people by myself in the same day - no-one to back me up just little old me walking up to a door and knocking to see if they would come out to play with me to custody.

The first was an 18 year old for a very minor theft offence, nicked him quite a few times and we are on first name terms. Didn't even have to knock on the door and he jumped in to the car of his own accord.

"Alright matey, usual routine, I'll nick you now and when we get to custody we'll pretend to the custody Sergeant it was a complete spontaneous arrest so they don't think we planned it"
"Yeah, I know how to play it. You gonna give me a lift home?"
"Of course mate, for you anything, as long as you are straight with me"

Needless to say he didn't want a solicitor and gave a full cough when I interviewed him.

Suspect number two was even easier and was standing outside his address when I pulled up outside. He jumped in and asked me when I was going to say the words.

"In a minute mate, I've got to nip down the road to speak to someone for a couple of minutes but I'm sure you don't mind"
"Not at all mate, hell I've not got anything else to do"

I promply completed a quick door knock, with him waiting outside my car, and I then nicked him and we drove to custody.

After he coughed the job and was 'detected' I gave him a lift home. When we arrived I shook his hand.

"Always a pleasure mate, till the next time?"

He gave me a wink and got out. There is always a next time.

Pooper Scooper

2008-08-14T22:32:00.002-01:00

As a Constable I think the title sums my job description up pretty well. Why? Well I deal with everyone elses crap... that's why!

Unable to solve that bad, abusive relationship that suddenly jumped out of nowhere after 15 years? Call me!

Mentally ill? Need to make an unsubstantiated claim against an ex-partner for harassment with no evidence and freak out when I turn up in a police car? Call me!

Want to make a complaint against me for no apparent reason other than I can't magically pull evidence out of nowhere nor can I take your hunches you know who did it to court? Call me!

I am a fully fledged turd magnet... and unsurprisingly I don't get much of a chance to catch criminals....

Time for a change.. again

2008-08-04T18:17:00.000-01:00

Response is the very core of policing in this country and from my experiences and, from experiences faced by many other police officers in this country, it would appear it is the very thing which is ignored by every force. Poor equipment, limited training and being treated like children I have determined it is not for me.

As such I have given up - on response that is - and I am moving on. I will keep you updated as to how this progresses but a move is on the horizon. Perhaps I will have to rename the blog - slight less disgruntled cop?

Auntie Dot

2008-08-03T11:34:00.000-01:00

Court recently produced another bizarre and confusing picture of the criminal justice 'service' in action. It was only after the first hour that the witness support bod turned up and asked 'How were things going?'.

The unsurprising fact was that they definitely were not 'going' as I had got through my third Hello magazine dating from 2005 and I was even contemplating hitting the Sudoku book I had brought along.

I was prepared for a wait but unfortunately the victim and witnesses for my job weren't - amatures! They were mooching about asking for updates, wondering "Does it usually take this long?" and generally feeling confused by an archaic, unpredicatable system. They even went so far as to ask me what the outcome of the trial would be:

"Don't even go there" I replied "As far as I am concerned the result could be anything, I know we have several independent witnesses, photographed injuries and you all seem to be fine upstanding people BUT the magistrates, who I shall compare to a dotty Uncle/Auntie, honestly don't know what they are doing". This raised several eyebrows and I quickly got out my Sudoku book and started scribbling. I was called a couple of hours later and spoke briefly about the incident which, 6 months down the line, I could no longer remember.

I got the court result a week or so later and it appeared all the charges were dismissed due to lack of evidence - as expected.

Urgent Update

2008-08-03T11:03:00.005-01:00

I recently passed my Chief Inspector in the corridor - YES THIS IS IN FACT NEWS!! Mainly because seeing the C/I out of an office environment 'mingling' with response officers is a seemingly wild and foolish idea that could lead to him/her doing something outside of meeting a local nutter who hates us for not finding his goldfish or having another performance meeting.

It was a bit like seeing a ghost, I acknowledged him, but was not on the same ethereal level to start contemplating what was on his mind. That day turned out to be a very odd one because I was asked by this very same C/I to take a statement for him!! Shock, horror! This was of course referred to me indirectly, the skipper told me he had asked him to 'get someone to do it' so he still didn't have to speak to any of us response PCs directly - C/Is obviously aren't that silly - so he upheld his respect and mysterious 'ambiance'.

I duly attended the small reports room and spoke at length with a young chap who told me how he had been 'dissed' in the street and how police hadn't yet even taken him seriously. I asked the young chap, I shall call him 'Yoof', as to the fact he had spoken to the C/I:

"Yeah he was a nice bloke, said he would have taken a statement but he was called to an urgent incident.
Oh really, I see, did he tell you what the incident was?
No, just said he was really busy otherwise he would have done it"

Oh, so that would explain why I saw the C/I fiddling with a set of golf clubs in the back of his car and pressing a mobile to his ear talking about his dinner. I see. Yoof continued talking, as they do, and I couldn't believe that when he cut someone up at a junction "Completely accidentally" someone had given him the beans and threatened to twonk him in the bonce. I nodded politely and couldn't believe I was sharing the same oxygen with him and agreed we would do 'everything we possibly could' - the grand sum of squat all.

I finished the statement but thought about what sort of fast food I could squeeze in before the next 999 call if any....

Rape Squad?

2008-07-09T13:31:00.002-01:00

This story has been buzzing about for a few days now I just can;t seem to get my head round it.

I can't see how setting up a special 'rape' squad can make the detection / conviction rate any better. My force takes the matter seriously, as it should, and we tend to gather as much evidence as quickly as possible which is as good as you could expect.

The problem with the offence and reason we don't get the conviction rate is the 'permission' element of the offence itself.

So what is rape then? It is basically sexual intercourse without the permission element. We can usually prove the intercourse happened, DNA evidence proves it clearly, but you try proving if one person had given permission or not... much harder if not impossible.

Violent incidents often provide some evidence to back up the victim's claims, bruising, broken bones and such isn't in the normal course of reproduction. But again this occurs in the more public and violent incidents - which is just where the majority of the offences aren't made out. The majority of cases I have attended, and I am well aware that I am 'just' a response officer, are cases where the suspect is already a long term partner and has gone too far. Evidence is gathered and people quickly arrested and the usual perspective of the investigating DC is that they pray the suspect will admit to it as the job is going nowhere.

Unless the weight of proof shifts almost entirely towards supporting the victim then I don't see how anything can improve. I have seen honest victims been torn to pieces in the box by a half decent solicitor with the outcome being that the magistrates and judge believe that the complainant is a jibbering wreck in real life and the job gets binned. How on earth can the rape victim ever have a chance if the courts have the attitude that we can't believe what people are saying no matter how good a standing they are within the community?

So my conclusion is that the reason the conviction level will never rise is that, with the court system as it is (archaic, stiff and unrepresentative of any justice) there is no hope.

Stand by for updates...

2008-06-05T14:21:00.001-01:00

As you can probably tell I am in the process of making this blog a little fresher and getting some graphics up. About time really....

New 'Blues'

2008-06-05T11:51:00.003-01:00

Just watching the opening credits made me cough up my dinner and I spluttered continuously until the credits rolled. I don't really know where to start with the bizarreness of the training regime they are put through... I am not sure how making PCSOs punt each other round the head is good preparation for coffee mornings, local meetings, reassurance visits and house to house. I can only assume the slightly dappy training bod has made up some dramatic training to try and keep people watching. Reeks of the stuffy Home office as well... anyone notice how long the intro is in an effort to explain who they are and what they do? A new force in town? Please!

Also how pervy is young male recruit searching the female? Why does he have to fondle her bare flesh? Actually I think I can work that out....

The second episode filled me with even more despair as the PCSOs encountered broken windows, a small lost child and also some naughty youths. Although I did have to laugh that a little scally tried to steal one of the PCSOs hats and it was somehow a 'bit of a laugh' for the PCSO involved. My reaction would have been to drag the little shit off the nearby wall take him to the ground and promptly nick him....

All in all a complete frustration - I entirely support the police federation in that the experiment is a complete failure and that there are excellent police officers out there that could fill the role and be a proper deterrent.

Please
Call
Some
Officers....

http://youtube.com/watch?v=J_yijV-hMWQ

Soft targets

2008-06-01T09:02:00.005-01:00

This article seems to finally get the point that police points don't make prizes.

Hardly news to anyone that has been following any police blog for the last few years but perhaps someone, perhaps an MP who gives a poo, will finally take note of it. I have made an active gesture of completely ignoring targets since I started in the police force and trying to deal with jobs off radio and with little or no paperwork.

My main reasoning behind this is that the nick I work in barely acknowledges the fact of when you are slightly under the monthly target and blatantly ignores you should you excel three or four times the required figure.

I could swing it that my force has got the right mindset about the whole thing but the argument could be made that they don't have a clue what we are doing - which I can take some comfort in!

The only people who actually give a damn about the figures are the CI, mainly because his bonus (read that as new BMW) is linked to a few percent either way on the detection rate, the Insp who cops the crap from the CI directly and the over zealous probationer who feels he/she needs to get noticed. One person in particular has taken to arresting children for what even my police force and colleagues have considered 'beyond trivial' minor incidents to get a quick detection. No wonder the local community hates me....

The probationer hasn't got far since though as they quickly became overladen with jobs and ended up drowning in an ocean of A4, summons files and bail appointments - much to the amusement of the rest of the shift.

Incidentally I heard a domestic job being described as 'like a can of shit in a microwave'. How I chuckled.

My suggestion is to run away and seek hard cover.

So....

2008-05-15T22:58:00.001-01:00

Only 1.9%?

Happy Blogday

2008-05-02T17:28:00.002-01:00

I have just skimmed through my posts and have noticed I have been blogging for two whole years! Two years!

My where did all the time go? Mostly on having a good old moan and putting up silly (but true) stories about my life as a police officer. I have been called an officer near retirement (if only) and ever so slightly miserable but as I have mentioned before I only moan because I truly love my job.

So I suppose I should pat myself on the back and actually get some posts up, my motivation has taken knocks over the two years but I will bloody well keep posting as long as I have blood running through my fingers!

Anyway, stay safe out there and keep on plodding.

You, me and it

2008-04-16T15:03:00.002-01:00

Attending an address today clarified the presumption that as a police officer I have to know everything about everyone and must know precise information relayed to someone else somewhere else.

The mother of three I was speaking to was only dressed in a towel and was hopping over household items that seemed to have exploded out of a side cupboard all over the entire house.

"But I rang you last night and told you to go round there to speak to him? Why didn't you?"
"Madam, I wasn't here last night. I am the early shift"
"But you took the call, I wanted you to do it then, not now!"
"I don't know who you spoke to, probably the call center, I have only had first sight of this matter 10 minutes ago"
"But you should know, I don't know why you came here. I told you not to come round here last night as I was tired"
"I know but it's the morning"
"I have asthma, you should know I can't be rushed about. You rushed me out the bathroom"
"I am very sorry if you feel that I did that but I assume you wanted us to attend after you had woken up"
"How many times do I have to tell you?"
"Excuse me? I don't know anything. As I said I have a brief summary of your call and that's it. I don't know what expectations you have of me as you didn't speak to me"
"You lot are all the same"

It was one of those situations of which even I could not recover and I shuffled about in my boots whilst standing in her hallway nodding. When she had finished I left, I still wasn't sure what she had called about but I now know I should have known about it.

Round 2

2008-04-14T10:30:00.002-01:00

Ladies and Gentlemen...

It would appear I have been given another opportunity to account for my knowledge in 12 months time.

Yes, that's a negative ghost rider... negative...

Bah!

Waiting and more waiting...

2008-04-03T09:08:00.002-01:00

The Sergeants exam seems like a long time ago now and still no sign of them letting us poor 'candidates' know how we have done. As one of my colleagues said recently:

"If they gave the result straight away they wouldn't be able to call the entire process 'torture' "

As such I am binding my time by getting my head down and trying to not think about... well I say try not to because inevitably I always do and the more I mooch over it the worse I think I've done. So I have now brought myself to the conclusion that I have failed... so if I pass I can revel in the sensation of enlightenment and if I fail I knew it all along anyway... ;)

On the policing front it has been remarkably dull. The only source of entertainment of recent note was a Section 2 mental heath assessment I attended and instead of being the normal crazed male lunatic it was an 80 year old woman. She was utterly vile and at the same time hysterical accusing us me of being a 'pretty boy' and not the sort of lad she would be seen with. She also waved her walking stick at me and threatened to knock me out to which I responded to by getting out my extend able baton, striking my finest fencing pose and said that sounded like a good way to pass the time.

More news as and when....

PS Disgruntled

2008-03-11T19:58:00.003-01:00

NPIA Part 1 exam Vs Disgruntled...

Results in six weeks.... probably just enough time to completely forget about it. The exam wasn't too bad in all honesty and although I am now kicking myself about some of the questions I did feel I knew more than I didn't... we shall see...

If I pass then I will add some hints and tips, if not then I will have to re-examine my revision methods! Watch this space.

Still here...

2008-03-03T19:31:00.002-01:00

...but I am currently living a multiple answer OSPREY nightmare!

Wish me luck!

A big red key

2008-02-10T20:51:00.000-01:00

I like warrants, in fact I like them alot.

Not for the paperwork - exhibiting stuff in statements and booking items into stores are a pain in the arse and take 10 times longer than executing the warrant in the first place.

However, warrants do serve up some of the most glamorous images - it makes me think of dark morning and lots of coppers in full armour putting doors in. In reality, certainly from my perspective on a response team, if we can summon 5 officers and a door bosher we are doing better than average! The memories I have are wearing rubber gloves, one size too small, cooking in your stab vest as you daren't put any item of clothing near the carpet and finding the obligatory sex toy in the bedroom.

I think the element I like the most is putting the door and getting a sense (just a touch mind) that you are doing what you joined up to do. Hitting targets hard, taking them by surprise and most of all disrupting them in their own home which is exactly where we should be bringing the problems to.

For every good warrant, by good I mean one where there is a significant result there are probably five dull ones. Getting a warrant for an 18 year old who is claimed to be dealing vast quantities of drugs usually end up in us knocking on the door and at best seizing a stubbed out spliff end out an ashtray. Some of my colleagues have seized what can only amount to the stalk end of a cannabis bud - still detected via a street warning but with all the pressure to get detections I can see why.

Incidentally I note Ronnie has finally got round to writing his report - took almost as much time to sort it out as a typical fraud case does for a response officer! From the face of it Ronnie and his team have picked up a few points and run with them as if they were the ones to find it out. Well done for picking up on what has been being said for the past five years or so!!

As far as I can see if the police implement the following points , in the cockeyed opinionated way they always do, it will be a good start:

Scrap the stop and account forms - God knows how many rainforests have suffered as a result.
Bin the Home office requirement to force detection levels on forces and the limit of the disposal methods - the entire police service as a whole has alienated the public through the stupid rigidity imposed by NCRS and such like.
Stop people creating more stupid MG forms.

23rd of January 2008

2008-01-23T22:23:00.000-01:00

Sleep - get up (late) - Drive - Bus - White Cap - Queue - Shuffle - Walk - Mild confusion as we reach the end - Food - Pub - Bus - Drive - Home - Sleep.

The longer version I will post in due course, but all in all a good day out - although its effectiveness in giving Jaqui a kick up the bum is dubious.

Everythings great in 2008

2008-01-09T16:24:00.000-01:00

This is the first post of 2008... hooray!

Things that have happened so far...

The biggest drugs haul of my career

Proper revision has started for the PS exam in March

Transfer plans ahoy for another new job!

Will update you when something exciting happens. Incidentally, I am fully aware that I do not update these pages on even near the same frequency as some of the more established blogs. My reluctance in doing so is the fact that I am NOT looking for a book deal - I don't have that much interest in policing to write loads on it. I also have no political agenda other than writing about the occasional irritating matter and getting stuff off my chest.

Perhaps I am a loser - not making full advantage of the medium or perhaps I am staying truer to the original blog concept i.e. no fame or fortune and rather just getting my little opinion out there. Thoughts?

Christmas survival update...

2007-12-28T14:27:00.000-01:00

I'm still alive after working throughout the 'Holiday' period.

My Christmas can be best be described as follows:

Christmas Eve - Fight central

Christmas Day - Fire Brigade stylee

Boxing Day - I think everyone went a bit loopy and I was making over to two urgent calls at any one time!

Hopefully after everyone has beat each other senseless after New Year there will be a restoration to some kind of normality... well as close as it can ever come to that!

Good News!!

2007-12-21T14:38:00.000-01:00

Looks like the lads are coming home!

Click here!

Semper Fi

2007-12-19T23:43:00.000-01:00

The Christmas season is very much into it's stride and my life as a police officer is a little busier as a result.

Bulk shoplifters are not FPN'able when they have nicked several grands worth of woollen clothing from M&S and I have to go through the pa lava of nicking them, section 18 half way across the country and labelling up 50 exhibits.

Is it just me or are the drunks EVEN more drunk than usual? People falling over and cushioning the kerb with their face leads to a lot of blood having to be washed away and the ambulance service stretched beyond breaking point. Not so much health care as a glorified drinking taxi service to hospital. Horrid.

I am doing the only thing that will make Christmas bearable which is to work it and then take the money and run! As such I will put my faith in you good souls out there and only ask you to follow these simple rules:

1) Don't invite members of your family who you detest to Christmas lunch. It will end in drunken arguments and the sensitive members of the party will call me out. I will only ask people to leave and nick mince pies so perhaps you could sort it out yourselves prior to my arrival.

2) Be sure your relations are still alive prior to turning up at their place to wish them well. I have had one job where a family turned up only to find Uncle Fred has died the previous month and was now dissolving into the sofa... eugh!

3) Have a very Merry Christmas and enjoy yourselves without resorting to violence!

Wishing you all the best for 2008 and, if you are going, see you in the big smoke for the march in January!

Semper Fi,

Disgruntled

Go figure?

2007-12-10T10:05:00.001-01:00

So her highness Mrs Smith wants our pay in line with a 'target' 2%? So how come the figures show an inflation rate of 5.2%!!!

Thank you Jacqui, thank you, really appreciate the fact you are f**king all of us over and making light of it.

Incidentally I am sure the ballot on strike action would be positive although I very much doubt any of us actually would - something to do with us having a realisation of our responsibilities to the public - unlike Mrs Smith.

Where to now?

2007-12-06T14:11:00.000-01:00

The Government, not content with just treading on us, has decided to go into a full on Flamenco and deny us any form of decent pay rise (1.9%!!!??). The police federation seem to have wilted to nothing and I am now unsure as to why I pay my sub every month when I could fritter it away on something more worthwhile... say a curry for me and the missus or perhaps pay for the stupidly expensive petrol to get me to work everyday.

I am pretty much lost for words as to how low this Government can get, it is plainly obvious they hate us so who do we complain to now?

Christmas ISN'T here!

2007-11-20T15:01:00.000-01:00

I have now been into three separate houses in the past week where people have decorated a tree and had about a good twelve inches deep of presents slung below. Are the parents trying to bore their children so they don't get excited on Christmas morning? Is the DSS giving 'them' that much money that the excesses simply have to spent a good 5 weeks prior to the day in question?

In the meanwhile I shall get on with life, minus the spirit of the season, and buy my gifts last minute as I usually do.

Bah humbug! ;)

Questionable behaviour

2007-11-06T19:39:00.000-01:00

As a PC I have only only one person to worry about keeping happy on a regular basis and that's my Sergeant. This is mainly being because he is usually the only 'rank' I see on a regular basis and because if they get in a grump with me the inspector will get on my case and cause me grief.

As I view it, and Met officers will agree, the actual step up to Sergeant is pretty small. OK, you can give out an order and, as long as it is lawful and fair, PCs will have to do it but generally you are still on a different planet from being mistaken for the lofty ACPO positions and having any effect on things on a grander scale.

The exception to the rule is generally a PC who is so rank pissed that the stripes give someone delusions of grander. Out go the rules of:

Being polite to people
Not treating MOPs or other officers like they are children or pieces of excrement
Not having the reputation within all ranks of being a complete cock

The exact circumstances leading up to this opinion are a little too fresh for me to go into, but the other officers I have spoken support my opinion of not tolerating such idiots in the workplace. I am aware of such people in every workplace out there but giving such idiots even more reaching powers and then letting them cause havoc with innocent people and officers alike is going too far.

Let us just say I won't have to put my foot as they go past to make them trip up.

All in good time and served very, very cold.

Lost souls

2007-10-22T21:09:00.000-01:00

Having read lots of recent posts on Coppersblog and Inspector Gadget I suddenly realised that I haven't posted for ages.

As such I can only apologise, I am very much still Policing my little bit of the country, and now have a full set of 2008 Blackstone's textbooks to get my head into in preparation for the Sergeants exam next year. Scanning through the books the writing is a little smaller than I thought and there are more pages than I could possibly imagine!!

So lots to do and not much time to do it which is worrying - but not impossible. So the blog is very much the last thing on my mind but I will make every effort to put a couple of things up this week which have been bugging me.

Anyway, enjoy this golden oldey... a little too much plastic explosive goes a long way to inflating the maintenance budget!

That's the way it is....

2007-10-01T20:26:00.000-01:00

I was having a drink with a friend of mine recently and musing over our career choices. My friend is an ex-RAF pilot and one thing he said to me really struck home. In essence he said:

"The things I've seen give some perspective on life, seeing people with problems, I mean REAL problems (Iraq) does put a damper on things that seem important here (in the UK)".

From my point of view, that being someone who has never served in the military it puts my complaints in check as well. Seeing people with two limbs missing, and still in the streets queue for food demonstrates the human spirit far better than someone watching Jeremy Kyle, easing their size 20 arse out the settee and queuing for their dole handout. As such I would think my friend had a better take on life than my experiences of the British underclass has given to me.

A change of scene is on the horizon however, as such I will be able to concentrate on some important aspects of policing that I perhaps have been overlooking as of late.

As ever, watch this space.....

NEWSFLASH!

2007-09-19T10:32:00.000-01:00

Apparently doing something risky, dangerous, out of the ordinary and as such 'exciting' - has been deemed risky and dangerous. The dangers, as pointed out, in high speed pursuit driving are the fact it is 'high speed' and involves 'driving' all at the same time.

I am now being informed that I have to see if the risk associated in putting my life on the line is proportionate to the outcome. This will now put a stop my usual trick of spraying kids with CS from the window of my car after they have made off from the corner shop with a stolen Mars bar.... what is the world coming to?

Thank god someone is around to tell us all this sort of stuff!

Next week readers - how to breathe....

I didn't do it!

2007-08-21T16:43:00.000-01:00

One thing that gets me is how much people plead their innocence when really I couldn't care less. Mainly because I only have the bare details of a job and I don't know what they are talking about.

Take for example this chap who was arrested for rape recently:

"It's so unfair, why now? Why?"
"Can't answer that sir, I have all the details on this bit of paper and top of the list is ARREST SUSPECT. Best you take up any complaint with however has accused you of it"
"But you must understand I didn't do it?!"
"How do I know that? I've only just met do you?"
""How could you take her word for it?"

"I didn't sir, in fact I don't even know who the complainant is"

"Why don't you know?
"My scrap bit of paper doesn't tell me that"
"Don't know a lot do you?"
"Quite right, I'm a mushroom I am"
"Can I have a fag?"
"No"
"How can you deny me that?"
"Easy, I just did"
"This is against my rights"
"You are under arrest sir, we have taken away your liberty"
"That's so wrong, and to arrest me at night as well"
"We tend not to make appointments sir"
"Why not? You know me, I wouldn't do anything"
"As I said I really don't know you sir, most of our customers run away when we turn up"
"What are those other officers doing in my house"
"They are looking for evidence relating to the offence"
"Why?! I didn't do anything!"
"Did you hear me when I said I didn't know you?"
"What is there to get?"
"Oh bedding, any evidence placing people at the scene, condoms, that sort of stuff"
"They are going through my bins? Fuck me, you really are taking the piss now"
"Not really"
"But I didn't do anything!"

Etc etc etc.... dull isn't it?

Phone home

2007-07-30T11:41:00.000-01:00

I noted this story on the BBC News website and frankly it made my head spin as to how a leading story can be run on this topic.

The sum of it is that a survey of British Asians has come to the astounding conclusion that being persons from foreign backgrounds and religions, where ever or whatever that may be, don't feel at entirely at home in the UK.

Now correct me if I am wrong but surely if they wanted to stay in a country that felt native, where they were the majority, then it really is best to... errr.. stay at home? I am fully aware that should I have chosen to move out to Asia I would not be able to:

Walk down the road and request a full English breakfast
Be able to instantly have everyone speak my own language
Blend in with a different skin coloured majority
Have everyone support my *'cultural' requirements and panda to my needs
That walking about in my national dress (I can only think of a Morris dancing outfit for some reason) through a crowded market street may cause some people to gaze in wonder.
That my white children would be able to call themselves Indian, Pakistani or Afghani.

Has our society become so liberally blinded that we cannot even support the theory that people are not all the same? That the majority native population should continue doing whatever they have been doing for the past 1000 years or so?

* It is fair to add at this point that my own personal view is that as a nation our 'culture' is a little thin on the ground. We do have Castles littered about the place, maypole dancing and I suppose that if you were to count vomiting in the street and glassing each other as a national past time we should feel wholly enriched and a world leader. However, aspiring to the level of our European colleagues (Italy, France, Spain) whose celebration of their existence, food and weather is something to revel in - is a somewhat deluded affair.

Also using the term 'Coconut'.. I'm insulted. In fact if I were to be consistent with Racial incident policy I would submit a form immediately on the pretence that at least one person reading it may feel distressed by it. Thus I am covering the back of out nations police forces.

In the same spirit I shall call myself an "Armadillo", crunchy on the outside soft in the middle. I think fellow officers should do the same... or is that stereotyping?

Wordy words

2007-07-30T11:30:00.000-01:00

Again it seems that any form of work life balance has truly been thrown out of the window and I feel a permanent feature in my nick. I say in the nick because due to the tremendous demand for me to split up tiffing partners and put at least one party in custody I am drowning in A4 pieces of paper.

As I contemplated the second arrest of the night I couldn't help thinking that the computer really hasn't sped things up at all. In fact, due to the apparent speed most coppers can type (a brief headcount shows that the 2 finger jab is the most popular technique) the number of forms has increased accordingly. No longer do I just worry about get the info on the court file asap but I also have to worry about adjusting font sizes and formatting as the template readjusts itself again onto one too many pages.

I am not sure if new Student officers formally require a qualification in Microsoft Word, but it sure would help.

Schools out for summer....

2007-07-20T19:21:00.000-01:00

Things I hate (as of today):

People lying to me in the face of irrefutable evidence. Spoke to a lad who was pissed and claimed he had not been driving his car in a reckless manner - despite the car having its front axle collapse due to hitting a roundabout and him stinking of drink.

People spitting at police officers after arrest and wondering why we get upset. Frankly that's the worst thing someone could do to me and is a quick way to find out how far reasonable force can be taken.

Pissheads asking if they can piss in my helmet.

Men driving cars stripped to the waste - a hooligan outfit if ever I saw one.

People on mobile phones and without a seatbelt on! (mucho points on the licence but too much writing for my liking)

I feel 'TERROR'!!

2007-07-03T21:57:00.000-01:00

Watching the terror unfold has never been so thrilling. BBC News has been keeping updated with ever single moment of the 'thrilling' investigation. I like how reading a phones text messages and looking at the calls can be such a new investigation technique - I wonder how quickly the RIPA was filled out for that!

However, I have been on holiday which is obviously MUCH more important, so the terror can thrill me without me wondering what silly idea the command team have for me to beat 'evil do-ers' in the tiny scenic town I work in.

Oh well, he're hoping!

Bingo Wings

2007-06-19T20:56:00.000-01:00

Two things:

One is that I apologise for a lack of updates recently, summer is well and truly here and with that every pisshead with a few quid in their back pocket (that'll be the child allowance then) is chucking back the beer double quick. As such my work/life balance has fallen too far towards the former and I haven't had the motivation to sit down and write job as I have been living it far too much.

Secondly almost every person I have met, as in potential client, has been really strange/odd in some new way.

Take the female I met a few days ago, not only did she look at least 20 years older than the 23 years she said she lived through but she also had the largest forearms that I have ever seen. My attention was shared between the utter twaddle she was shouting at me but also how on earth someone could have bigger bingo wings than my thighs.

"I don't want nothing done, nah, you never do anything so I don't want the 'assle"
"How can we help you then if you phone us but won't evidence anything?"
"That ain't my problem though is it?"
"Then why phone us?"
"I will phone you, an' I will keep phoning you. But I don't want you to do nuffing cos it ain't worth it"

With that I took the opportunity to run out the front door and roll around in the grass to celebrate the lack paperwork.

Another delight was the arrest I made of a suspect after a report of son 'going mental'. Upon entering the house I asked the distraught informant as to where the son is...

"He's upstairs, I've had enough"

I venture upstairs and find a 12 year old sitting on the bed and I return downstairs to Mum.

"He seems alright now, you mentioned in the call he had a weapon?"
"Yes, look!"

A cricket bat, no longer than my forearm is handed to me and a dent in the wall is pointed out as the sons handy work. My discretion has gone out the window, my hands tied as to what I can do...

Three hours later, half a rain forest compiled and placed in a folder, one child interviewed with appropriate adult and the criminalised 12 year old is on his way. Policing can be such hard work.

Holby Poo..

2007-06-05T19:00:00.000-01:00

Has anyone else had the pleasure of watching this programme?

It's been sold as a more 'serious' policing programme with 'real edge'. Sounds like a razorblade!

It's been on a while now and I have managed to catch a few episodes of it. I have a number of observations about this which seems to have overlooked by whichever retired police advisors they have on set.

The main issues I will be raising with the BBC are:

1) There are too many police officers

I know the Met have more officers than anyone else but to have literally ten's of officers walking about a station all vested up is another world away from my neck of the woods. Where are the support staff? People hiding in offices, physiques too large to fit into a police car?

2) They have decent and clean police cars

My nick has only a handful of cars mostly poorly serviced, over worked and most make creaking noises as you try whizz them out of the nick on a shout. A car I drove recently was making a horrid thunking noise from the offside with the engine cutting in and out round corners. If that wasn't already enough I had to guide it down a straight road with the steering at 20 degrees off center as the kurb mounting had taken its toll on the tracking.

Also the cars in Holby are far too clean, more choccy bar wrappers thrown around the front cabin, and a pee stain in the nearside rear seat will only increase the realism.

3) Senior Officers are walking round the nick knowing what is going on

The only time my Chief Inspector decends down to the depths of the response team room is to either find out about a job which the Super has phoned him about or to have a meeting in the Conference room next door.

As such it's always best to have anyone above the rank of Inspector upstairs and out the way 'strategising' and planning budgets or changing PCs shifts to suit their PDRs.

4) CID seem to know what they are doing and AREN'T complaining about having work given to them by Response.

Is it me or are all DCs and 'DEE EYES' all shouty and have very important pieces of paper with large photos of suspects plastered all over them? Why don't they use pro forma powerpoint presentations that often crash midway through? Can't they use something less efficient or perhaps handout a printed email to show what real budget constraints are like?

Any more suggestions?

Fight, fight, fight!

2007-06-03T17:12:00.000-01:00

One of the problems facing a police officer is that technically we are always 'on' duty. It's doesn't mean we carry our batons and cuffs around 'just in case' but what it does mean is if that something were to happen we would be obliged to get involved.

I certainly remember early in my service taking a shoplifter to the floor whilst getting a few things with the missus on a Sunday. Heroic, yes, but ultimately it meant my missus was shopping by herself for a few minutes equalling grief for the lugholes when I eventually met her in the veg section.

This taught me a few important lessons, never abandon the missus in Tescos and also that sometimes intervening in something without any protective equipment and also minus a Biro would ultimately bite you on the arse. Thankfully on that occasion the attending officers gave me the nod so 'I was never there' which left me statement free and not being held to account.

Now that doesn't mean I am completely blinkered to reporting stuff to the police. I remember being overtaken by a riderless horse in a queue of traffic and also taking avoiding action as a pedal cyclist joined the dual carriageway - both incidents leading to a swift 999 call. As a rule though if people decide to deal with things more basically, that's called beating the shit out of each other I will probably walk on by and leave the blood soaked puddle to be wiped up by which ever service is getting paid that night.

Job nights out though (going out with police mates) mix everything up and more, the police in general are pretty much renowned for their alcohol consumption and having a wacky time. As colleagues yell and shout in the street, make naughty remarks to passing ladies and then proceed to throw shapes in the church of dance (most recently a 1980's church) I can't help feeling that in someway we are treading towards becoming a walking detection for a blinkered colleague in a different part of the county.

The most recent example happening to me waiting for a cab in a nearby city center whilst clutching onto the Missus. Whilst waiting for the cab two lads walk infront of me and I say, as politely as I possibly can "The start of the queue is that side?" with me pointing to the end about 20 people away.

"Who the fuck do you think you're talking to?"
"I didn't want to make a thing of it, just thought I..."
"Fucking twat, who the fuck do you think you are?"

My mind is full of 'job, job, job' now..

"He's getting wound up, try and cool it. Not worth getting whacked nor is it worth giving the twat a slap back as I will get nicked, suspended, CPS, professional standards, found not guilty, no apology"

I can only imagine the chap must have seen me distracted as these thoughts crossed my mind and as quickly as he started he had gone. Phew! I nip into the cab with the missus and the drunks are left behind.

"Well he wasn't very nice was he?" I say and snuggle up with the missus in the back of the taxi knowing I can leave the fight for another night, this time on duty.

Pirates of the Caribbean

2007-05-21T20:24:00.000-01:00

Another day, another court date, another door to door DVD seller in the dock.

Except this court date was over a year delayed and this was the second time my rest days and duties had been mucked about forcing me to put up with different Sergeants using my colleague and I as the 'afterthought unit' to mop up the crap he/she doesn't want their team to pick up.

So we endure the odd shifts, being run around and having to bare minimum recovery time between shifts. The day of the trial seems almost a god send when it eventually arrives.

My colleague and I attend the court in plenty of time, DVDs and fat file duly delivered to the house of law.

The CPS lawyer doesn't appear so we locate them in the court room and they duly give us the good news. "It appears the defendants have sought bad advice, they are trying to defend themselves as if they are handling stolen goods where as the copyright offence they are here for is absolute".

"OK, so why has it taken over a year to get to this point?"
"Their solicitor is basically crap"

At this point the Clerk of the Court wanders in and smirks overhearing our conversation.

"OK, so what happens from here?"
"Well, it looks like they should plead"
"Riiight"
"OK, let's get on with it"

I return, file unopened and sit in the waiting room. About 10 minutes later we are asked to speak to the magistrates and we are explained our presence is unecessary.

One magistrates pipes up:

"They've pleaded guilty, which always speeds things up"

It's been over a fucking year and this is the third hearing! I'm so glad the decision makers have their fingers on the pulse.....

Visibly Different!

2007-05-20T21:09:00.000-01:00

Watch this

Funny how a civvy dressed in leather waistcoat and hat can get mistaken for a PCSO.. oh hang, it isn't... :)

Cattle Herding

2007-05-07T21:26:00.000-01:00

Another Bank Holiday passes and custody was again full to bursting with innocent, misunderstood , argumentative members of the lower classes. Not that our numbers reflected the increased workload, the police recognise the need for more officers at this time but due to the weight of the wage bill (double time) financial reasoning wins meaning we are on minimal manning. Finding that there are twice as many prisoners as police officers is a worrying statistic, which leaves our local without ANY police officers on response for a couple of hours.

Good thing the public don't know huh?

I can't help but also mention the desparately sad incident involving the fatal shooting of PC Gray. I can only reflect what the other police bloggers are saying in that there is nothing more that we can add to the gravity of the situation. The sense of loss is overwhelming and every frontline police officer will know how quickly situations can go bent and that it could have been anyone of us. RIP to PC Gray and I hope the murderer Peter Medlicott burns in hell.

HO what?

2007-04-25T19:30:00.000-01:00

My first arrest and my first encounter of a world without the administrative detection. Charlie had been a very naughty boy and instead of using a squidgy ball or perhaps going for a run to de-stress himself he chose to knock 7 shades out his bedroom door.

The call taker added the normal comments to the log "Son out of control", "He's smashing the place up" "Noise of disturbance in background".

I nod over to my probationer colleague and we head out to the car and then out the nick with the two tones blaring. Arrive at the location and speak to Mum "E's mad, he's kicked in his bedroom door". I note down the splintered door lying at the bottom of the stairs and the amount of dog hair permeating the carpet.

I'm blunt from the start:

"So you're going to give a statement then. Get him 'done' for it?"
"I think I'll have to, I've had enough"
"So you'll go to court then, stand in the dock slating your son?"

She becomes quiet at this and I know her next sentance will be a lie."Yes" she says.

I walk out the house now knowing that catching the little sod is going to be a very personal victory rather than anything worthy of a positive stat. A short search later reveals he has hidden himself cunningly in the rear garden only 'revealing' himself when we ask him to come out.

He walks slowly up to me hands infront of him, "Go on, I know what's coming. I could have hidden or run away ya know. I hope you make a note I have handed myself in". The only fun bit of this job has now been removed, damn! He gets lifted and I promptly cuff him to the rear, just so he now appears wrong in offering his hands to the front. Git.

Upon arriving at custody the mother is duly contacted and 'Surprise, surprise' Mum now doesn't want him prosecuted. The conversation is as I predicted.

"I can't do im, e's my son"
"So why did you say you were going to provide a statement?"
"Cos I wanted him out"
"OK, so when he comes back tonight, what are you going to do with him?"
"I don't want 'im back, he'll trash the place. Put him in a home"
"I'm afraid you can't play it like that madam"

The custody Sergeant mulls the situation over and I put in my 2 penneth worth.

"So are you going to NFA it then?"
"I just can't see what we can get out of it. FPN? Too much previous, Charge? No statement. Caution? No way. Let me mull it over"
"So you are going to NFA it after your cup of tea?"
"Yeah probably"

Charlie is picked up with the hour, not even interviewed as it was a waste of time. One arrest up with nothing to show for it.

The poor HO stat, now defunct, cast aside to allow the REAL detections (take that as crap charges) to take priority. I certainly didn't like investigating stuff for the sake of the HO stat but now even with a signed admission, evidence of the offence from the attending officers and a signed notebook entry with the victim saying it happened it counts for nothing.

At least I didn't have to take the little shit home!

Now then, now then...

2007-04-16T16:16:00.000-01:00

The frequency of my posting here seems directly inversely proportionate to the amount of incidents being generated by the scabs and yoofs of my policing area. As such I have had to abandon the Internet for what seems like forever to concentrate my efforts on dealing with proper criminals and scraping up the victims of them.

The Easter holiday period was a time for verbal abuse, physical assault and trying to escape from police. Funnily I was on for everyday of the holiday and the term 'tits up' didn't really do the ensuing chaos justice. A 'quiet' Easter Sunday quickly turned into a losing battle with job after job being reported. The bizarre thing is that during the busiest times is probably when your district or area has the fewest police officers on - Bank Holidays are truly weird in that respect mainly because forces don't want to pay out to get the officers in on double time.

So going from one immediate response job to another proved to be never ending with the only catch of breath coming from dealing with the paperwork following a nasty attempt robbery. A couple of hours later the suspects were duly spotted and it was our shifts duty to bring the suspects in. Upon arriving at the location it turned out that it was in fact the shittiest address in our area and that every scumbag from far and wide had in fact descended on the location almost as if the police attention had brought them there.

As such we were clearly outnumbered and like the film "Ronin" I squealed over the radio "Bring everyone!". Clearly people actually took my call for help seriously and two vans, 4 police cars and numerous other officers I had never met before descended upon my location.

Knocking at the door of the location I was greeted by a pair of stereotypical chavs saying:

"Whatcha want?"
"Can you get Bill out please we need to speak to him?"
"You can't come in, ya need a warrant duncha!"
"Let me see, no I don't actually. Either you let us in or me and my friends here are coming in"
"Fuckin' hell, why didn't bring the whole force?"
"Well you can see I mean what I'm saying now don't you?"

Bill promptly appeared at the door and gives himself up. Being of the older criminal types he's obviously been there and done it and knows what's coming if he were to hide.

"OK, we know Tom is in there as well. Can you bring him out please?"
"He's gone, he left a while back"
"OK, there's only one way in and out of here and we have been here since he went in. We know he's here"
"Well he ain't here, OK, you want us all in here do you?"
"No"
"Well looks like we are going in then"

I duck under an arm across the doorway and my colleagues shuffle in behind me. I flick the lights on as I enter the premises and start with the bedrooms. I enter the master bedroom and a female yells at me "That's my bedroom, what do ya think ya doing?".

"I'm going in to have a look for Tom, I know he's here somewhere". Her protests are obviously a sign he's in there. I indicate to my Sergeant to come with me and we gingerly enter the room. A limb is hanging out from under the bed. I gently jib the half body with a boot and say quite clearly "Errr Tom, best get up mate, you aren't any good at hide and seek".

Tom pulls himself up and stands square up to me. I arrest him and ask him to place his hands behind his back to which he responds by placing an hand down his trousers with index and thumb raised. "Don't come near me, I've got a gun".

I look briefly at my Sergeant with an eyebrow raised "You haven't got a gun Tom, you are making it with your fingers". Tom looks down and then covers his eyes as he see me finger my CS on my belt "Errrr, I suppose not, no".

"So Tom, get your hands behind your back and let's make it easy". With that Tom goes banzai and tries to push past me. Tom promptly has his arms grabbed and is stuck head first to the floor. This has now turned into a proper fight and I remember struggling with him thinking if he even gets an inch he will go for me and give me a beating - with that my UDT goes out the window and the practical wrestling takes over.

With that I see one of my colleagues assaulted in what I can only describe as the most gruesome and painful way imaginable. I am not going to disclose what happened but thinking back to it makes me grimace in pain and wonder how on earth he remained conscious.

Tom was promptly 'removed' from the premises as best we could without further injury occurring to him and was placed in a van for transport. Thinking back to it still brings back some disturbing images and I hope to god that the judge in the case gives what is coming to the suspect. My vague notion of justice in the country has to be upheld as my colleague still recovers at home.

I can but only hope!

So long, farewell!

2007-04-03T15:52:00.000-01:00

I was lucky to be on duty on the stroke of midnight on April the 1st. At the time I strained my ears and thought I could hear a cough and a splutter as the HO stat disappeared from common use. No tears were shed and I felt a slight wave of relief break over me.

So what's in it for me? Well no longer will I be investigating crime for the sake of going through the process. I remember getting a statement from a gentleman after a crazed man, eventually detained under Sec 136, smeared his blood coated self down a car bending the wipers as he did so. The witness asked me:

"So will you catch him?"
"We already have sir, he's in a mental hospital"
"So he'll get charged?"
"No, he's been declared insane Sir"
"So why am I sitting here giving a statement?"
"Figures sir, just for the figures"

So perhaps I can avoid taking these type of pointless statements, although hearing about a colleague trying to obtain a statement from the victim of assault by a wet teabag really should be the dictionary definition of taking the piss.

My view is that dispensing of jobs now, where the victim declines to prosecute will now be passed to CPS instead of the shift Sergeant disposing of it. As we already know trying to get a CPS appointment these days is a complete nightmare, especially one that actually co-incides with your shifts!

Visiting the state of Quandary...

2007-03-23T13:42:00.000-01:00

So you may have noticed the updates have been a little slow of late. Well I can put that down to the fact that I have not been at work recently, as in being on holiday, and the more relaxed attitude in turn has made me chill out a lot more. The result being that I don't need to open up a new post and blast my anger forth out into the great vacuum that is the internet.

I have also begun to feel slightly deflated as to how little blogging, or at least the threats of protest about policing in the UK, have had such little effect on day to day life. The fact is I don't see any shift in attitude whatsoever. The Labour government simply ignores our pleas for less paperwork and more sanity and the Conservatives try to butt in saying we need to be 'more accountable'.

More accountable? That sounds like more forms to tell some civilian what I am up to, which in turn leads to us filling in more bits of paper and destroying even more rainforests. The British public in general still don't have the faintest idea what we do, as we only really make contact with the tiny proportion of the population that commit all of the crime. With the fact that the outdated court system and its ridiculous sentencing policies are still all blamed on us.

"The police should do something about it"

Well we can't!

I also can't help feeling that the readership of most of the police blogs seems to be mainly police officers (so they can post comments agreeing with the articles), people connected with the court system in some way (so they can blame the police for their problems) or people in the system who want to have a pop at the police as they are our regular clients.

I shall sit tight for a little while and see where this blog takes me - if anywhere.

PS Go and see 300 - the lads will like the macho posing, blood and gore and also a couple scenes involving lady nipple action. The ladies can enjoy the muscular physiques of the spartans and the errrr... beards.

Bobbies with Attitude

2007-03-22T17:37:00.000-01:00

Need I say more?

A ticket for the bandwagon please

2007-03-08T18:37:00.000-01:00

I think pretty much every police blogger is either writing about this particular subject but seeing the CCTV video brought back a very similar situation I was involved in.

Whilst driving past the main drag in town my colleague and I noticed a strangely squat female walking irately down the road. Upon me spinning the car round I gestured her over to see what her 'issue' was. Eva, as I would like to call her, was of a foreign accent and stated to me

"They're after me, the whole fookin lot of them, they wanna get me? Why did they do nothing when I was back in the day... yada yada yada".

My initial thoughts were that she was more nutty than a packet of KPs and her ranting became so extreme between me obtaining details I buzzed the window up in the car reducing the volume significantly. OK, we've got one here and she's past her sell by date for sure. Upon me looking at her as I ran her through the box she bolted and in response I turned to me colleague and said "Go and get her then". My colleague duly does and I see Eva fall over her own feet onto the pavement. My colleague duly assists and when I see Eva stand up facing away I also see the carving knife handle sticking out her trousers.

"Jesus!", I clamber out of the car and get a hold on Eva. My colleague is now struggling holding onto her and I duly help gravity bring Eva to the floor as quickly as possible. I reach for the knife and drag it out of her waist band, all 7" of it and I cast is aside near to our car. Eva has placed her hands underneath her body and I can see another object in her trouser leg. I can feel Eva wriggling and I don't know what she has under her and is trying to free.

"Give me your arms" I tug at her elbow trying to free the arm "Give me your bloody arm". I strike once to the top of her arm using a hammer fist blow. No reaction from Eva and she is still struggling, another blow to her arm and she finally relents releasing her arm and I gather her wrists up to present her as best I can so my partner can cuff her.

Eva is best described as being about 5'3" and looking like Jimmy Cranky. It took two officers of reasonable size to subdue her what with the chemical mixture of alcohol and heroin flowing through her veins.

I have am in no doubt that the incident being captured on CCTV would have been only a little less shocking then that on the BBC website. Did I have every right to use force on her? Without question, but without any context I could easily be seen to be a 'thug' and made out to be a villan as well.

Good job there was no CCTV and the 'victim', in my case, was a paler shade of pink.

Coppers go forth..

2007-02-25T16:57:00.000-01:00

Probationer:

Look what I got for you sir.

Salty Copper:

What?

Probationer:

It's the latest issue of "The Sharp End". Oh, damn inspiring stuff; the magazine that tells the Coppers the truth about the war on crime.

Salty Copper:

Or alternatively, the greatest work of fiction since vows of fidelity were included in the French marriage service. [flicks through paper]

Probationer:

Come, come, sir, now. You can't deny that this fine newspaper is good for the morale of the men.

Salty Copper:

Certainly not, I just think that more could be achieved by giving them some real toilet-paper. [hands paper back to Probationer]

Probationer:

Not with you at all sir, what could any patriotic chap have against this magnificent mag?

Salty Copper:

Apart from his bottom?

Probationer:

Yes.

Salty Copper:

Well look at it. [takes the paper again] I mean the stuff's about as convincing as Dr.Crippen's defence lawyer. The British Coppers are all portrayed as six foot six with biceps the size of Bournemouth with racial diversity at the forefront of their minds whilst hounding that ever elusive last detection from a crap job.

Probationer:

Thoroughly inspiring stuff.

I don't get it?

2007-02-22T14:36:00.000-01:00

Seeing war talk like this from the home office doesn't make me feel any better when I do end up nicking someone for a firearms offence or possession of an off wep. Considering the number of jobs I go to that eventually end up in court (very few) and then have a half decent sentence given out (perhaps only once in my career) I can't see it effecting many criminals at all.

Seeing that common assault has a maximum sentence of 6 months I have never ever heard of anyone serving time for it. I also like the term 'increasing the punishment'... we don't punish people in this country!!

Here's hoping that a yoof carrying either an MP5 or a 'Manchopper 2000' knife actually gets what is coming to them as opposed to the apologist magistrates/judges seeing the off with a conditional discharge and a £40 fine.

Comply!

2007-02-14T21:32:00.000-01:00

The officer behind walks up and says "Put your hands behind your back". I stick my hands in the small of my back "Yes officer, of course officer". The cuffs go on and at this point it's my queue to 'kick off', "Unhand me sir, I beg to differ with your judgement in arresting me" which ties in with the officers queue to put me on the floor.

My wrist promptly bends the wrong way as the cuff cuts into my wrist and I follow gravity's lead and get a mouthful of rubber mat. "Owwww!" a knee then follows me down digging into my shoulder. Unlike Mr Timberlake I'm not 'loving it' but I am force to go through the moves so the day can come to an end as soon as possible.

The police view that I should be regularly updated with a selection of methods of put people on the floor. That I should be checked that I am putting my feet in the right place when putting on handcuffs and that I can swing my baton in time with a group so that I look like a cheerleader. The truth is I have never swung my baton in anger and as the future reeks of another Text message harassment I don't think I will.

This is in complete contrast to police driving where you go on a course for a few weeks that is supposed to last you your entire career without any sign of reassessment (although I would say that is probably a relief to some of the 'lower' standard officers!).

During the course of the day I am taught how to escort a prisoner in what can best be described as 'I'm a little T-Pot' and how to wave my arms about breaking the grip of a would be assassin. Most of the moves taught reduce us to tears of laughter through their sheer impracticality, and the fact we are causing each other brutal pain through not being able to do them correctly.

The reality of any 'action' is usually a reduction to some more 'basic' techniques. A straight arm bar and the ever ready knee strike are winners in my book along with the rugby tackle and headlock. Cuffs usually end up going on in a method I describe as 'whatever'.

Fun if you can get it but the most of time I wrestle with the paperwork and fight my way out of criming another poop job.

CPS Ltd

2007-02-04T13:49:00.000-01:00

Recently had a strange conversation with a beleagured CPS lawyer via CPS Direct Ltd. I was again late off and sitting at the end of the phone speaking to a solicitor somewhere in the UK who was mulling over a domestic job - the body was in custody and it was my responsibility to sort it out.

The conversation follows as best as I can remember it pretty much word for word:

Hello how can I help?
Hello there, Disgruntled of Senseless Constabulary here. Wonder if you can sort out a domestic for me?
Got someone in for it?
Yep, he's sitting in his cell shaking, probably from the interview
What's he got to say for himself? I've got your MG3 here.
Says that after 2 bottles of wine he can't remember hitting her
Jesus, what the hell is wrong with people these days? OK, she's made a statement?
Yep, full and supportive
Has she put her emotive bits at the end of it?
Yes, says she hates him, doesn't want him back as he has gone too far etc etc
That's good enough for me.... (Typing in background for 2 minutes)
There you go, charge him and be done with it
You don't want to see the statement?
No, you aren't a Met officer are you?
No, not even close. What does that mean exactly?
It means you don't think you are better at making a decision than anyone else can. I've emailed my bits over to you. Goodbye.

Stunned by the speed and efficiency I print off the MG and proceed to charge him. Anyone else experienced this solicitor?

Of course Met officers will undoubtedly not need CPS and form their own opinion.... ;)

Chunky Monkey

2007-02-02T16:15:00.000-01:00

Fat face and I were crewed up a couple of days ago. The Sergeant smirked at me when he did this, not only was he aware I wasn't entirely convinced of Fat Face's abilities but the repugnant nature of the chunky one's demeanour was something that repulsed me. When it was announced I would have to spend the entire shift with it my professionalism took over, although eye contact with Fat Face became slightly more difficult. My feelings struck from my features in disbelief.

Briefing over and I mooch over to a terminal, how the fuck am I going to get through the next few hours with it sitting next to me. I flick through the jobs on the queue... "Crap, crap, oooohh... that's even worse". Eventually I find a misper job with a 17 year old who has gone clubbing against his carer's wishes. Right that's easy, form, minimal enquiries with the usual numbers and then circulation - easy.

Fat Face wanders up, "When we going out? Let's fight crime!" OK, it's 2300 on a Tuesday, it's raining and the only person I saw as I drove in was a milkman. "Yes, lets" I said reluctantly, "Let's make a difference".

Fat Face wanders off and I see my opportunity. I sneak from my terminal, grab a set of keys and off to the backyard. Freedom, maybe I can even get through tonight.

"Unit please, for an immediate response to an informant chasing a male who has his car radio". Jesus, and I am the only unit available. I turn to see Fat Face running out the back door towards me, "Coming coming". Sigh....

Cold car, fogged up, lights, sirens, cars not pulling out the way, split the traffic, arrive, area search and frankly not a sausage about.

Fat Face leaps out the car and engages with the informant. Name, DOB, address, location, all the usual. I peer at the broken window of the car, the object that broke it clearly visible, a stone, and the rough plastic which the suspects may have made contact with. "In all honesty I would be surprised if forensics could get any prints off of that surface, I don't think it would hold". Fat Face turns to me in front of the victim "Of course they could". I stand up, puzzled "The surface isn't smooth, it would be an outside chance, I'm being realistic" and I turn to the victim who is standing in front of us nodding to me. "No, I'm sure they could".

My face turns to a blank and I'm wondering who the fuck Fat Face thinks they are. I bet the victim is really impressed with two officers effectively contradicting each other. I also bet that Fat Face with their literally weeks of experience would not know better than me with a number of years in. I coax the victim back into his house and let Fat Face take details, they are the unrealistic one, may as well let them take the job.

What if I just drove off and left them here, what if I were to say I saw someone running into the woods and let them run off with me sitting in the warm car. Damn, I'm turning into a vindictive so and so... but it feels good.

Fat Face eventually finishes the details after what seems a lifetime and I wander out to the car. I turn to them and say "Well after that I need a drink". "Yeah I need a coffee too".

That's not what I was thinking of....

More stories to come as I recall them from my twisted, bitter mind.

Hints for Student Constables

2007-01-30T00:26:00.000-01:00

Hey, Students! Here are some helpful hints to make you life on shift even more enjoyable after the 'stress' of university....

Don't try and pretend you know everything! Yes you have a piece of paper saying you are officially a police officer, but guess what?! Your colleagues don't care! Simply destroy it as it isn't worth the paper it's printed on!
By doing a really good crime report doesn't make anyone on shift think better of you. Detecting it wards off the Inspectors glance for a month but that's all.
Don't tell the shift that you have been trained better than the rest of them. Just because we didn't hold hands and use the odd crayola to draw a picture representing the diverse community doesn't mean you are above them.
We know what Gay/Transgender people are, just because we didn't spend a week studying them in detail doesn't mean I can't deal with a man in a dress being hit round the head.
Get over being a student, you are at work now!

I think you get the point....